Monday, February 25, 2013

The Power of Insecurity

My first day living in New York

Boxes are barely unpacked and I am standing

Center floor and wide eyed in love

With the cable man.

He’s no celebrity like I’ve seen strutting down the streets of the Upper East Side

But I am miles away from my boring southern state

And boy is he handsome.

After the pleasantries of my origin story, he looks at me with his left brow lifted in disbelief

And with a thick urban accent asks, “And you left there for Brooklyn?”

I smile my awkward, sheltered suburban girl smile,

And mentally regret jumping on the first apartment listing for New york on craigslist.

He smiles at me and after finishing the job asks for my number.

I can barely hold in my excitement, and race around my apartment hugging myself harder than one probably should.

I wonder if this is the how all the pretty girls feel when they are asked out.

But even I don’t have time to daydream

Because just as my being fills with joy,

 The dark cloud of my insecurities hover over me.

This time, they skip the formalities and get straight to the point.

“He’s not going to call you.”

“You’re  just a joke.”

And like the last time,

And every time before the last,

I listen.

I agree.

I doubt.

And the negativity I feel begins seeping through my pores the moment I receive my long awaited call

For every compliment he gives, I have a reason he’s clearly blind.

And soon our pleasant and promising conversation turns into the one reason he won’t be calling me again.

He likes girls with confidence,

And sadly I have too many daddy issues unresolved.

He could’ve been the one.

Just like all the rest.